Quit your whining and eat some baby food!
Okay, okay, so that’s not exactly what celebrity trainer Tracy Anderson is telling her clientele. But it’s pretty close, according to numerous reports.
Perhaps you read one of the various articles recently, claiming Tracy’s famous trainees (Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow are just a few of the names she drops like anvils in every interview) consume nothing but baby food to keep their svelte figures.
Yes, that’s right, the same baby food you see in minuscule jars, mushed up beyond recognition into a rainbow of unappetizing hues. Now might be a good time to alert the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office that my sister and I actually invented this diet plan during one of her pregnancies. Except, we were kidding. Because, you know, it’s ridiculous?
Well, despite claims that Tracy’s been advocating a nutrition plan intended for toothless tots, her publicist recently told The Daily Beast that it’s all a load of (carefully blended, flavorless) baloney (sorry, I couldn’t resist).
Hmm, that’s pretty interesting, considering Tracy herself told Marie Claire U.K. that she “wanted something where you can eliminate toxicity, break bad habits but still have your digestive system going. That is when the baby food cleanse was born.”
Contradictory messages? Guess what — Tracy’s full of them. In the same breath, she told the UK’s Telegraph, “My mission is to give every woman the tools to look and feel their best and be able to do everything 100 per cent. To love their bodies, to absolutely not have cellulite, to not spend their money on gimmicks, to not have their emotions messed with. To not think they can’t lose the baby weight – no way! Don’t even go down that miserable road! My method is the best girlfriend you could ever have!”
Er, why does this suddenly feel like an exercise in deconstructing convoluted literature? Let’s analyze Ms. Anderson’s statements. She wants to make women feel their best and love their bodies. Great! But that means they should absolutely not have cellulite (which, FYI, isn’t always a result of failed willpower or lack of effort). Tracy definitely does not want you to send money on gimmicks or have your emotions jerked around. In fact, she’s your best friend! Awesome! But don’t get all Debbie Downer on her about your stubborn baby weight, or she’ll turn on you. That Tracy’s one complicated lady, no?
And in case you thought the natural processes of aging allowed for a bit of body fluctuation, think again. “If your body looks old at 50, it’s only because you’re not making the effort,” Tracy told the Mirror. On whether or not she’d let Madge (age 52) or Gwynnie (age 38) ease up on her demanding routine: “Would I let them go down to three days a week? Oh no! It’s not healthy to not work out six days a week.” Perhaps I should consult with the World Health Organization, but I wasn’t aware there was a stringent global edict in place regarding health and six-day-a-week workouts. Thanks, Dr. Tracy!
So what’s the point of all these strict rules and regimented routines? To “start the journey to your teeniest, tiniest point,” according to Tracy. That’s right, not only does the woman allegedly hawk baby food diets for grown women, but she adores the term “teeny tiny.” She says it in nearly ever interview, according to Jezebel, and even claims she can “take any woman from any genetic background and turn her into this teeny-tiny dancer type.”
Thanks, but no thanks, Tracy. There are plenty of un-teeny (or tiny) beautiful women with their own unique genetic backgrounds, who have better things to do than work out to your DVDs six days a week. And I’m pretty sure most of them prefer solid food.
— Michelle Konstantinovsky is a student at UC Berkeley’s Graduate School of Journalism and an avid admirer of shiny objects and preteen entertainment. It would be nice if you visited her website: www.michellekmedia.com. Also, she may learn to use Twitter more effectively if you follow her @michelley415.