I’m certainly not advocating for a culture where women shun their children and responsibilities, thereby leading to a generation of abandoned kids. That would be bad.

The point that I hoped to make was that our pop culture narrative *loves* to play up women loving every minute with their kids (like the celebs I quoted above) and that when alternative view points get expressed, they end up getting packaged in something like the book “Sh**ty Mom: A Parenting Guide for the Rest of Us,” by Laurie Kilmartin et al (Ambrams Image, September 2012). But doesn’t the fact that that that book was a New York Times Bestseller substantiate that more than “the rest of us”… more like a whole lot of us!…identify with a narrative that paints parenting and child rearing in a way that’s not reflected in all the celeb gushing and mooning? And yet, these viewpoints are “sh**ty”, not normal, uppity etc….

It’s also worth mentioning the obvious: that celebs are able to love love love all their time with their kids because they (most likely) aren’t drowning in the drudgery of domestic life. Sure J.LO has boasted that she’s never hired a nanny, and Gwyneth has talked about her sleepless nights in the early years with her kids, and Beyonce is gaga for diaper changing. But come on, none of those ladies are scrubbing their own floors, washing vomit off clothes every other minute or unable to catch a nap when they need to.

Which is why I find it pretty offensive (or perhaps just naive on their parts) when celebs (I’m talking to you Reese Witherspoon) trash talk their own ticket to the Good Life (“I don’t live to make movies”). Really? Funny, that. Because it’s precisely the millions from movies (or record sales or whatever) that allow celebs to escape the yuckiest parts of child rearing/domestic life and “cultivate the highest life” for their families. Which is, of course, most likely what all women want: the time, financial ability and head space to create a great home life while still being able to fulfill their own dreams/goals.

So yeah, I wish our culture gave voice to the struggle that most of us are facing rather than ramming down our throats the idea that it’s all so easy! And fun! All the time! And given that Ben Affleck usually seems like a pretty decent guy, I’m bummed that he doesn’t seem to get how being able to complain like he did to the national media–and not get crucified for it–is actually quite a privilege.

Well, I don’t,

I don’t think women should choose to have children if they don’t want to make them their #1 priority. As a person earned her college degree in Child Development and who has worked professionally with children for the past twelve years, I can tell you that children need their mothers to be present and involved. When they’re not, tragic things happen. Children grow up unattached and unhealthy and emotionally undeveloped. I work with these problems EVERY DAY. I also grew up with a narcissistic, distanced mother, so I have lived it.

I AM a feminist, but just because you don’t want to believe something doesn’t make it untrue. Study child development and attachement theory. Talk to children whose parents are always out of the house. Talk to children who are being raised by distanced parents or by daycare providers or nannies. They’re not growing up healthy and happy. There is so much data out there on this. Please don’t pretend it doesn’t exist because you don’t like its implications.

If you don’t want to spend all of your time being a parent, don’t have kids. Become a Big Brother or Big Sister. This is not to say that parents shouldn’t have outside interests. But at the end of the day, your children should be your top priority.

Also, Ben Affleck is one of the worst actors of our time. I’m sorry that you’re surprised that he’s a narcissistic jerk.