The Great Wall of Vagina: Real vaginas come in all shapes and sizes

I’m still trying to scoop my jaw off of my keyboard after viewing this documentary, The Perfect Vagina, in which UK-based writer Lisa Rogers delves into the world of vaginal cosmetic surgery.

Primarily following an adolescent girl and two mothers who are dissatisfied with the shape and size of their vaginas, she documents the frighteningly popular operation known as labiaplasty, a surgical procedure to reduce and/or reshape the labia minora and/or labia majora.

Although the practice of labiaplasty and other surgeries, often lumped under the umbrella of ”vaginal rejuvenation”, are gaining more media hype, they’re certainly not as pronounced as, say, breast augmentation. But this is certainly not a trend to ignore, as more and more women are seeking “designer vaginas.”

While there’s no single culprit for this fascination with vaginal aesthetics, a recent Ms. Magazine article raises the issue that sex education materials don’t show pictures of genitalia, leaving female students to rely on the distorted images of the media to see if their vaginas measure up.

A recent New York Times feature, “Teaching Good Sex,” agrees that sex education materials need to teach young people, among many things, “what real genitals look like.” The images most teens are exposed to come from the porn industry, creating a phenomenon researchers at King’s College London call the “pornification” of modern culture. These images, fully shaved and uniform in shape and size, leave no room for natural and normal variance. And, there’s nothing but trouble when the media is left to dictate what “normal” looks like.

True to form, the porn industry survives by victimizing, devaluing, and reducing women to sexual objects, whilst making them feel abnormal and unattractive — the perfect setup for a new wave of cosmetic extremism to “fix” the manufactured problem.

Sheesh. What’s left? Images of “sexy” internal organs? Surgical procedures for liver-enhancement to win back that firmly toned pre-binge-drinking shape?

It might be difficult to imagine why anyone would go to such an extreme measure as labiaplasty, but as with other forms of cosmetic surgery that don’t treat actual physical discomfort, the hope for improved self-esteem and the allure of of sex appeal seem to be the driving factors which lead some women to fork out an estimated cost of $3,500-$8,000 USD.

Even more alarming are the rates at which the procedure is increasing. Although current data isn’t readily available, in 2009, The British Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology revealed that there had been an almost 70% increase in the number of women having labiaplasty from the previous year.

Thankfully, more people are beginning to speak out about this issue. A Brighton-based sculptor created the Great Wall of Vagina, an installation to visually represent the diversity in vaginal shape and size; the European Women’s Lobby hosted a “Muff March Against Labiaplasty” in the UK; and there’s a petition at SignOn.org to monitor and evaluate female genital cosmetic procedures, given that “surgeons are not required to explain real genital diversity or report actual surgical consequences.”

For some women, as noted in the film, exposure to “real” images of female genetalia is enough to remind them that the ideal is simply a false construction. But what about the women and young girls who aren’t exposed to images of diversity, who aren’t told to think for themselves and stand up against any person or industry that tells them they fall short of the beauty standard?

Let’s take this as a reminder that our work is never done — that we must remain vigilant to empower our next generation of girls to resist harmful media messages that affect their self-esteem and body image.

– Joy

Does Jay-Z have the power to change language in the larger hip-hop scene?

The birth of Jay-Z’s daughter has not inspired him to alter the degrading language frequently used in his music. Yet.

I must admit, I don’t keep up with celebrity gossip. In fact, I was shocked to hear that Beyoncé had given birth, as it was only recently I heard she was pregnant. Then my co-worker played for me Jay-Z’s new song, “Glory,” inspired by the birth of his and Beyoncé’s daughter, Blue Ivy Carter.

I couldn’t help but think about all of the Jay-Z songs with typically degrading language and the offensive use of the word “bitch.” I immediately said to my co-worker, “I wonder if he’s going to reconsider the type of language he uses now that he has a daughter.” A few days later, I came across the article on Bust Magazine reporting that he had been inspired to drop the word “bitch” from his vocabulary.

Unfortunately, it turns out the poem that claimed, “Before I got in the game, made a change, and got rich/I didn’t think hard about using the word bitch/I rapped, I flipped it, I sold it, I lived it/Now with my daughter in this world I curse those that give it,” was wrongly attributed to the rapper. The Guardian reports that the poem was actually written by a blogger named Renee Gardner.

While those of us who were elated to read about the initial news of Jay-Z dropping the word from his music are let down by the news being false, I think it’s important to consider the larger conversation here.

How did it make us feel to imagine a world where a leading man in the rap scene takes such a stand against a word that has constantly been used to undermine and degrade women everywhere? Personally, I felt proud and happy about what I thought was Jay-Z’s decision, but still remained skeptical.

Dear Jay-Z, respect women in your life by respecting all women, even in your lyrics.

Before I knew the truth of the wrongly attributed poem, I asked myself, why did it take Jay-Z having a daughter to realize these things? Why doesn’t having a loving, supportive mother inspire him in that direction? Why doesn’t his love and respect for Beyoncé inspire thinking about respect for women in general? What about all of the other women in his life he considers important to him?

This definitely has a place in a larger conversation about language in our culture, and the way it can be used to demean and marginalize people. I think Jay-Z needs to be confronted about the false attribution of this poem to him. He must be questioned about whether or not he is willing to take such a stand.

While Jay-Z is only one man, he is a respected man in a position of power and leadership in his circle, and his actions can inspire others to follow. And having more men on our side in the pursuit of a safer world for women and girls is key to our success.

Stacey Jean Speer is currently earning her Bachelor of Arts degree in Women and Gender Studies at San Francisco State University and planning to graduate in May 2012. She enjoys utilizing the tools she gains as a student of Women and Gender Studies to critique pop culture and media from a feminist perspective.

This clip rates high in the shock-value department, but the benefits highlighted in it are not those one would typically associate with a household vacuum cleaner. Herein lies the ad’s motive. No one truly believes that if they pick up this LG at the store that its usage will encourage a svelte shape. The real danger of it lies in its irrelevance.

At first, I was confused by the ad’s intention and dumbfounded at its choice of subject matter. My initial reaction was how ridiculous the comparison was. Who really believes that you could buy a product that would suck away excess flesh?

I thought the marketing tactic was questionable and that the geniuses holed up at LG would have been more successful if they showed every dust particle being systematically vanquished from a filthy home. I thought the selling point was misplaced and would be better suited selling a new fitness regimen, supplement or weight-loss cocktail… but, a household appliance?

Then I spoke with others and found out that this particular clip had in fact circulated virally. One friend had received this as an e-mail forward accompanied by the sender’s flip comment, “I wish I had one of these.” Perhaps, because the correlation feels so wacky and extraneous and people still find the riff on the fashion industry so comical, a bigger problem is revealed.

The model's fat is literally sucked away

These effects, motives, and approaches of Photoshopping and passing off altered images as realistic body types is so embedded in our culture that we find these exaggerations fodder for laughter instead of an exploitation of a sad reality.

I then realized that the embellishment of this product’s superior suction properties is in using its uncorrelated subject matter to work for it. Its aim is to encourage a cheap chuckle and hope that the sniggering at its shock value would push the product inadvertently. In my mini-poll of those I asked to view the commercial and give me honest feedback, I was met with several “have a sense of humor” responses that further support my point.

Instead of turning a critical eye to the media, specifically this company and its marketing angle, we see pieces such as this as bits of comical fodder, ripe for electronic sharing. One person gets a small giggle out of it and promptly forwards it to a handful of others and a seemingly harmless commercial continues to circulate.

The real danger is in the enjoyment of its ridiculousness. It is the Trojan Horse of themes. Society is informed enough to know that the portrayal is tongue-in-cheek and we know that no such product exists, yet we still derive humor out of watching it. Beneath it, we are still buying into the stereotype that thin is acceptable and desirable and other body weights must be demonized, contained and “sucked” away.

Innocent enjoyment can often keep us complicit with a culture that presents doctored images to our youth, passing them off as role “models” (pun intended!). Yes, this particular clip is exaggerated, but there is a very real and large problem in our world in terms of Photoshopped perfection, idealizing models and celebrities at unhealthy weights, and pushing a one-size-fits all standard of beauty.

The fact that it seems innocent and benign is the cause for concern: It is the unexamined media that can be the most dangerous. Do you think that this clip is humorous, or does it reinforce damaging stereotypes? Is the fact that the initial reaction to this commercial is to find the comparison comical, a symptom of the larger problem in society?

– Heather

Smart Girls is a ten-episode web series created by actress Amy Poehler, producer Meredith Walker, and musician Amy Miles. Poehler says the show was created, in some ways, as a response to the, “lack of celebration of the unique original girl,” and to, “represent real female friends and celebrate that stage of life where you write down what you want to be when you get older, before too many people tell you no.”

Poehler introduces each segment as: “the show that celebrates extraordinary individuals who are changing the world by being themselves.”

Such extraordinary individuals include Rachel, a twelve-year-old engineer and “friend to all robots”, Kenaudra, a ten-year-old dancer who teaches Smart Girls creators about the art of Praise Dancing, and Ruby, an animated seven-year-old feminist who tells Poehler, “If a boy can do the monkey rings, so can a girl!”

In an episode featuring sisters Lea and Sarafina, the two girls answer a question at the same time and Lea apologizes for talking over her sister. “No, not at all,” Poehler reassures her. “At Smart Girls at the Party we have no rules about when to talk, who to talk to, or what to talk about.” Miles, Walker, and Poehler then proceed to talk at the same time for a few seconds. The brief moment was a refreshing alternative to the idea that women and children should be “seen and not heard.”

The show succeeds in encouraging girls to focus on developing their unique talents. The interviewees are not talked down to, as girls their age often are. In fact, the Smart Girls creators allow their guests to teach them. Anna, the chef, teaches the hosts how to make bruschetta, and Anna, the yogini, teaches them a few of her favorite poses.

Each episode ends with a dance party where Rashida Jones, Aubrey Plaza, Will Arnett, and other stars casually appear alongside the interviewees.

The most recent episode aired four months ago, but fans can catch up on previously aired episodes on the Smart Girls YouTube channel, and can connect with others through the official web site’s community page, or the official Facebook page.

Though Smart Girls at the Party is geared toward pre-teen girls, I don’t see any reason older women can’t join in on the fun. The episodes hold up at any age. The show also reminds women how important it is to not only be role models for girls, but to let girls be role models for us. Smart Girls is a much-needed reminder of how many things girls can and do achieve with their brains, and how fun that kind of achievement can be.

– Cassandra

It’s catchy. It’s upbeat. It has a touch of dubstep and it makes a great workout jam. What’s not to love? Those were my thoughts when I first heard the single that dominated the top of iTunes’ top chart list for weeks. There’s nothing wrong with “finding love in a hopeless place.” My qualms aren’t with the song, but with the music video; the music video that has close to 90 million hits on YouTube and is being viewed by boys, girls, men, and women worldwide.

The video starts off nicely enough. Rihanna and her man play in a skate park, run around in a field, and get fast food together. But as the video gets hotter and heavier, some dangerous undertones come into play. From 1:51 to 1:56, we see Dudley O’Shaughnessy — the guy in the vid — push Rihanna up against a wall and literally throw her down on the bed, violently.

From 3:37 to 3:46, we see Dudley tattoo the word “MINE” upon Rihanna’s exposed backside, while she screams in protest. From 3:45 to 3:50, we watch as Dudley screams at Rihanna while she covers her ears in anger. At 3:57, the two are in a car and Dudley crudely grabs Rihanna’s chin so she is forced to face him. Anyone else see the problem here?

For the record, violence and love are not synonymous.

Aside from the blatant displays of male violence and domination, we see other tell-tale signs of sexist stereotypes. For over half the video, Rihanna is more than half naked. She wears a bikini, a shirt, and no pants, another shirt and no pants, another… Well, you get the picture.

Since when did our pop culture decide that female artists need to remove their clothes in order to produce a successful music video? And the list goes on: Drug use is rampant. Alcohol is omnipresent. Rihanna passes out in the street. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Now, granted, this music video is by no means reminiscent of a 1950s, male-dominated relationship. Rihanna engages in arguments, steals food, and retaliates when confronted. The scenes are passionate and raw.

One could argue that the borderline-horrifying images portrayed — a.k.a. tattooing “mine” on a lover’s rear end — are merely an artistic, hyperbolic portrayal of a modern relationship, complete with impassioned brawls and substance abuse.

However, we as attentive viewers need to consider not the artsy intentions behind the video, but how the video is being perceived by the masses. We can’t forget that “We Found Love” was iTunes’ number 1 hit for weeks; the video was watched by all people of all ages. And whether they’re artsy or just plan horrific, many scenes from this video abide by sexist stereotypes and gender-stereotypical behaviors; behaviors that we do not want the younger generation of viewers to aspire to or emulate.

So what’s the solution? Do we censor heavily sexual images? No. Should videos that portray even the slightest hint of sexism be banned? No. The real objective in combating scary, powerless portrayals of women is to raise awareness and alert the masses that though this song and video may have been number 1, it does not mean that all of the messages portrayed therein are acceptable.

Besides, how are viewers supposed to sift through the conflicting messages portrayed in this video? Half of the time we see the couple happy, kissing on the beach, and having good-natured food fights in convenience stores. The other half of the time is consumed by masochistic tattoos, drunken stupors, and physical/sexual violence. I’m convinced I can’t be the only one struggling to differentiate between the “love” and the “hopeless place” portrayed in this video.

– Hailey

Will this woman have to lose weight to gain zeal?

Given that Kellogg’s Special K basically markets itself as a diet food, my expectations for their advertising campaigns were already low. However, they have really outdone themselves with their new campaign, based around the question: “What will you gain when you lose?”

In the commercials, women stand on bathroom scales that reflect buzzwords back at them: “Joy.” “Shine.” “Freedom.” Special K’s web site for the campaign has more examples, with women holding up signs stating what weight loss will give them.

(By the way, does this scale concept remind anyone of Marilyn Wann’s body-positive Yay! Scales that About-Face has taken to the streets many times?)

I can’t decide which is sadder—the women apparently waiting for weight loss to feel good about themselves (“Pride,” “Self-Belief,” “Contentment”) or the women who seem to believe that not being thin is prohibiting them from having a personality (“Moxie,” “Pizzazz,” “Sass.” Girl, if you think thin ladies have a monopoly on sass, we clearly do not run in the same circles).

These women are in the thrall of what Kate Harding called “the fantasy of being thin.” The fantasy of being thin is the idea that, if you could only change your body, everything in your life would fall into place. According to this fantasy, being thin might give you more friends, a loving significant other, and even the personality you’ve always wanted.

The problem with this fantasy is that it will never come true. Getting thinner doesn’t change who you are—it just makes you thinner. It’s this type of fantasy that makes weight loss a game that’s impossible to win. If you’re supposed to have more “pizzazz” when you’re thinner, then if you reach your goal weight and still don’t feel pizzazzy, you’re clearly not yet thin enough.

I fell into this trap myself as a teenager. My own personal fantasy was that, when I was thin, I would finally love my body. I eventually reached my goal weight (through decidedly unhealthy means), but after obsessing over my appearance for so long, I was far from self-acceptance.

My conclusion was that, since I still didn’t like how I looked, I needed to lose more weight. In the end, the only way I learned to love my body was by accepting that weight loss wasn’t important. I gained back every pound I lost, but I also gained a sense of self-respect.

You don’t need to lose weight to gain confidence, sass, or happiness. Special K’s campaign actually encourages women to invent their own fantasy of being thin, and to place all their hopes and dreams on that last twenty pounds. Maybe it’s cynical of me, but I can’t help but think that this strategy will ensure a dissatisfied, self-hating customer base for Special K for quite some time.

I took the liberty of crafting some of my own slogans to add to Special K’s campaign:

“When I lose weight, I gain the belief that my self-worth is completely dependent on my appearance.”

“When I lose weight, I gain shallower friends.”

“When I lose weight, I gain the annoyance of my family and co-workers when I can’t stop talking about my new diet plan.”

“When I lose weight, I gain a tendency to compulsively compare my body to other women’s.”

“When I lose weight, vapid Special K commercials might actually start making sense.” (But probably not.)

Feel free to add your own. And Special K’s contact info is here if you want to let them know what you think. Before you do, check out our tips for writing a great complaint letter.

– Magdalena

Melanie Griffith received a C for not being sexier

I have to be honest — I don’t watch a ton of TV. But even I am aware that on January 15, the Golden Globes were the talk of the media-inclined. Unfortunately, the articles I read are often diluted (read: polluted) by messages of sexism, attractiveness, and more often than not, body-shaming.

I’m talking, of course, about Yahoo! omg!’s annual “Let’s Rank The Attractiveness of Everyone At the Golden Globes!” Sounds like a lot of fun, right? Maybe, if your name is Charlize Theron and you can afford a “plunging Dior Haute Couture gown and vintage Cartier jewels” (she received an A).

Is it just me, or is there something innately wrong and sexist about taking the time to give these accomplished actors a report card grade based on their appearance? I’d like to point out that while there are 82 photos in the Gallery, only FIVE of those 82 feature only men. (Four feature a man alongside a woman.) But still. Nine, out of eighty-two photos?!

Not to mention the degrading comments contained therein. Even the A-grade comments have subtle hints of sexism:

“…more than $5 million worth of Harry Winston jewels…” –Sofia Vergara, A
(If you ask me, this comment promotes excessive consumerism, and indicates that Sofia Vergara’s “A” rating was based on her $5 million budget.)

“You’d never know that Jessica Alba gave birth six months ago!” — Jessica Alba, A
(As if giving birth is something from which to recover. The obsession with recently pregnant stars “getting back their bodies” is another blog post entirely.)

And of course we have the Not-So-Much celebrities, whose “bad grades” can be attributed to anything from gray hair to semi-loose clothing:

“While Freida Pinto stunned in her Prada gown … we would’ve preferred to see the ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ star show off her svelte bod in a more form-fitting dress.”
(Too loose.)

Angelina Jolie managed to score an A.

“…the monochrome, tight long-sleeve dress reminded us a little bit of a space suit.” — Julianna Marguiles, D
(…Too tight. What?)

“[Antonio Banderas] was sophisticated in a perfectly fitted dark suit, but [Melanie Griffith] was a little lackluster in an all-black ensemble. While we realize she was content to leave the spotlight for her hubby tonight, couldn’t she have worn something a little sexier?” Grade: C
(Oh, sorry. I guess Melanie Griffith forgot that the sole purpose of going to the Golden Globes is to make her main squeeze look good by wearing something “sexy.”)

“Osbourne’s got to do something about that gray hair!” — Kelly Osbourne, B+
(Newsflash. Gray hair is totally natural! And if Kelly Osbourne has the guts to rock gray hair amidst cultural norms which tell her she shouldn’t, more power to her!)

“Maria Lucia Hohan’s Spring/Summer 2012 gauzy gown showed off a little too much skin to be considered chic…” — Jenna Dewan, B-
(It’s her skin. She can do with it what she wants! Media messages constantly tell girls to cover up while simultaneously daring them to let skin show. When they pick one, they get penalized for not obtaining an impossible ideal.)

This is a small sampling of the unflattering comments Yahoo! omg! felt worthy of posting online. I’m so tired of the media obsessing over “beauty” — or a perceived lack thereof.

Now, I know it’s the new year. And especially in January, people are on a “make my body better” kick. But how about this for a New Year’s Resolution; love your body. Love it with gray hair, love it with curves, love it with wrinkles and dimples. You owe it to yourself, because your body is all yours. And don’t let anyone — especially not the media — tell you otherwise.

– Hailey

Australian high school students cite body image as a main concern

Occasionally, media critics will get told that they take advertisements too seriously, and that messages being sent through various media channels aren’t that strong or meaningful. I know I have faced this accusation many times, and have been told that I’m either over-analyzing or am too sensitive.

I’ve also been told that teens and adolescents are able to tell the difference between reality and advertisements – that, for example, girls know that lots of companies photoshop their models and that no one is that skinny/tall/busty, or has such flawless skin/hair/clothing.

I’ve long believed that understanding these differences is irrelevant – the exposure that adolescent girls (and boys!) face day in and day out from shows, commercials, billboards, and ads really builds up and has an impact. Luckily, research has helped to prove us media critics right.

One recent study in particular, out of Australia, has determined the number one concern of girls between 11 – 24 years (most between 11 – 19). Any guesses, fellow media literates? Yep: body image.

Really?! I’m shocked. They’re telling us that girls are more preoccupied with body image, and are experiencing such dissatisfaction that it has become their number one concern? Perhaps they’ve been overexposed to the culprits in our gallery of offenders.

And guess what else? Since Australia began administering this survey in 2006, this is the highest that body image has ranked as a concern for adolescents. What I think is most interesting is that body image ranked so low years ago that it wasn’t even considered a real problem until 2006, when 28% of girls said it was a top three concern – now that figure is 42.5%.

Like a bad virus, the concern almost seemed to catch on and multiply, flourishing among girls. So, in other words…we’re going backwards. Things are getting worse.

As if all the other pressures of school weren't enough to deal with...

Here’s something else really interesting: suicide, sexuality, and self-harm were all issues that decreased in concern. Which, of course, is great. However, something that shouldn’t be forgotten is that real body dissatisfaction and disordered eating have strong relationships with all three of those behaviors. So, if we’re seeing an increase in concerns about body image, then those suffering most may soon show struggles with suicide, sexual behavior, and self-harm.

In case you were hoping for different results in the United States, don’t hold your breath. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has a similar survey that they administer to 12 – 19 year old girls and boys in the U.S. every other year, the Youth Risk Behavior Survey.

And…drum roll, please: In 2009, the YRBS showed that a third of girls considered themselves overweight or obese, while in reality not even one fourth of them were. As early as the fifth grade, some girls report feeling that their peers and families have concerns about their weight, and soon begin to develop poor body image and even shame.

Need more proof? In 1993, only 3% of adolescents used diet pills to control their weight, and only 2% self-induced vomiting. But guess what happened only a decade later? In 2003, those numbers had shot up – 7.4% of teens were using diet pills and 5.2% were self-inducing vomiting to lose weight. Down under is most definitely not alone.

The last line of the Australian article is not a throw-away, for a couple reasons. It’s fantastic that two-thirds of the girls who were surveyed felt optimistic about the future, showing great resilience. Combating body dissatisfaction can be a daily challenge, and why it’s troubling that 20% of them felt they had no one to talk to about these concerns, and why the kinds of conversations we have here are so important.

Peers and families can play a protective role, and girls with friends who support healthy exercise and eating behaviors are more likely to report high body satisfaction. That’s the kind of contagiousness we’re looking for.

– Larkin

While I can’t find any sources that cite Sofia’s exact age, she is visibly younger than any of Disney’s past main characters, who have always been at least old enough to be getting married to their princes. According to Disney, the age difference is an attempt to appeal to the younger girls that make up their core audience. Sofia’s targeted demographic is the age 2-7 crowd.

At first, this move seems like a step in the right direction. It’s great that Disney is trying to relate to young girls by creating a character who is more like them. Sofia even comes from a “commoner” background—she doesn’t become a princess until her mother marries the king.

However, these are superficial differences. Sofia still looks like a shrunken version of a Belle or an Ariel—thin, white, pretty, and royal. Disney claims: “Although Sofia will have plenty of pretty dresses and sparkly shoes, our stories will show Sofia, and our viewers, that what makes a real princess is what’s inside, not what’s outside. That the inner character of kindness, generosity, loyalty, honesty and grace make you special, not the dress you wear.”

Well, that’s nice, except that what actually makes a “real princess” is being born into (or marrying into) a specific family. Teaching girls that all those great qualities are associated with royalty doesn’t seem that helpful when the viewers are unlikely to ever become princesses themselves.

And shrinking down the princess aesthetic into a pint-size package creates its own problems. At least when the princesses were adults, kids could aspire to look like Jasmine when they were older. Having Sofia be a child tells kids that they should look like this right now—tiny waist, poofy dress, and all.

In the past, About-Face has covered the way that young girls are told they must become concerned with looks as they grow up. The solution is not to tell even younger girls that they must be concerned with their looks as soon as possible, by presenting them with impossibly pretty role models.

So although Disney is trumpeting this as a bold new move, they haven’t changed much at all—and what they have changed might do more harm than good.

– Magdalena

Men's magazine, or the voice of rapists?

Right this minute, my head is spinning and my eyes are popping out of my head over two recent reports about how the insidious, disrespectful, anti-women messages of “Bro Culture” have completely infiltrated pop culture.

First, there’s the fact that according to British psychologists, convicted rapists and men’s magazines basically use the same expressions and language to describe women. In other words, the use of expressions like:

“Mascara running down the cheeks means they’ve just been crying, and it was probably your fault . . . but you can cheer up the miserable beauty with a bit of the old in and out,”

and

“You know girls in general are all right. But some of them are bitches . . . The bitches are the type that . . . need to have it stuffed to them hard and heavy,”

and

“A girl may like anal sex because it makes her feel incredibly naughty and she likes feeling like a dirty slut. If this is the case, you can try all sorts of humiliating acts to help live out her filthy fantasy.”

are so ubiquitous, we can no longer tell if they indicate alarming criminal behavior or mainstream entertainment.

Perhaps even more disturbing is that the prevalence of such sentiments has led the media and other culture makers to up the ante when it comes to racy/edgy/sexy. The result: when men and women were asked to rate the quotes from lad mags versus those from convicted rapists, most found the comments from contemporary men’s magazines MORE derogatory.

Yep. You read that right. The pop culture targeting today’s young men basically instructs its audience to treat women in ways so abhorrent they are illegal. Anyone else but me got a problem with that?

Hey frat boys, who would you like to rape?

Second, there’s the fact that a University of Vermont fraternity recently polled members about who they’d like to rape. As if the whole “Dude. She’s hot. I’d do her” mantra of the past decade or so wasn’t bad enough. Now it’s “Dude. She’s hot. I’d do her—even against her will.”

IMO, that is one scary, telltale barometer of just how toxic these messages are. That when a bunch of 18- to 21-year-old boys are alone, they think it’s okay and funny and a perfectly normal topic of conversation to discuss women this way.

They are so accustomed to rape jokes and to living a culture that still blames women who are assaulted for dressing too sexy instead of blaming violent life-wreckers for their actions. This is how our boys are being conditioned.

Sure, the frat’s national governing body made a statement saying “any behavior that demeans women won’t be tolerated.” But it’s too little, too late. Or maybe it’s just futile given that our boys are growing up on a diet of pornified images and wink-wink innuendos that teach a very specific (and messed-up) way of interacting with women.

Lots of boys (I hope) experience a great sense of conflict when they contrast the cultural script that encourages them to view and talk about women this way with they way they have naturally interacted with female friends, sisters and mothers their whole lives. But the messages are strong—and if this is what we are teaching boys from such a young age, how can we expect them to ever graduate to having mature, respectful relationships with the women in their lives?

The sad truth is that they’re behaving exactly as we (meaning our culture) instruct them to behave. And until we do better on our end, I worry we aren’t going to see much better coming from them.

– Audrey

PS. Did I mention that I’m a mom to two young boys? Late and in the dead of night, I worry who they will become once they’re exposed to these toxic messages.